...where the quiet things are

Lately it seems as if life is moving at warp speed. Dorky reference aside, I am just not sure how I am already twenty-six looking back on the first full decade of the new millennium. I've already spent more time after college than I was actually in college. Newspapers and magazines have started to publish their best-of the decade lists. Soon radio stations will play the hits of the 80s, 90s, 00s and today! I just wish everything would slow down a little bit.

After class on Saturday, I drove up to NYC for the night to meet up with TIna, JP, Kemi, Marie and Drew, who were staying together at a hotel in midtown. It felt so nice to sit in that hotel room, with our comfortable and easy banter, getting ready to go out. We spent the night at a Karaoke bar called Sing Sing in our own private room serenading each other with the hits of the "80s, 90s and today!" until dawn. Afterward we walked to a diner, laughing along the way and pushing an art installation around in a circle - for no reason other than we could. The sun was up when we went to bed. Even though we've spread out over the East Coast (and soon probably all over the U.S.) and we all have a million things going on in our lives, we got to press the pause button for a few hours in that little room and be together. To give credit where credit due, Tina made that observation first. I really never wanted Saturday night to end. It was one of the few times in my life I felt infinite.

So in this holiday season I feel incredibly thankful for my friends - thankful for all the times we've had together and will hopefully have together in the future. I am going to try to not be so hyper aware of time. I am trying to welcome and enjoy the transition and change that our adult lives bring. I am going to try to not hold on so tightly.

breathe, stretch, shake, let it go

I saw Mark tonight. I had to move on with my life one way or the other. I did what everyone knew I was going to do in the end. For better or for worse. I have disallowed comments for a reason. I can't ask that you like my decision. I only ask that you respect that it was my decision to make - not yours. Tomorrow is another day.

Behind the cut is a conversation between alwaschoen and angelkeys. I know Chris, that you didn't give Jaimee permission to share this with me - nor did I get permission to post it. Jaimee meant well - she always does. I actually don't think I need to explain much to you. You seem to understand. That is something I need. Thank you. You were quite dead on in what you said which is quite remarkable because you have not gotten a full account of the story...and especially with what has transpired recently between the two of us. I needed to hear much of this.

This conversation is behind a cut because it is rather lengthy. I took some of the smiley faces out and other monosyllabic words of unimportance to cut it down some. It seems a little out of context at first but I don't think that in the end it doesn't make much difference.

( Some Perspective )

This constant state of anxiety needs to stop.

I was reading (I swear) for class...Marcel Proust as a matter of fact...

"...and in the evening, after dinner, if she wished to stay at home in deshabille, if he had been forced to stay beside her, to do what she asked..."

...and the word deshabille gave me the oddest sense of deja vu. I fancied that in a dream once I had read that exact word and in this dream it conjured instantly in my mind images of the freckled boy in the transgressions of infedility. I seem to remember waking up and being very disturbed. Dreams tend to affect my waking emotional state. Dreams, in the end, are just as real as waking life aren't they? They are real to me. I still experience them - their emotion. When I was talking to the freckled boy on the phone that morning, he couldn't help but notice my agitation as he is apt at doing despite my best deceptive efforts (a clear difference between us since I have never been able to decipher the difference between the smoke and the screen). He assured me that it was nothing more than my worst fear.

"And yet he would have liked to live until the time came when he no longer loved her, whe she would have no reason for lying to him, when at length he might learn from her whether, on the day when he had gone to see her in the afternoon, she had or had not been in bed with Forcheville."

"There were even days when he was not tormented by any suspicion. He fancied that he was cured. But next morning, when he awoke, he felt in the same place the same pain, the sensation of which, the day before, he had as it were diluted in the stream of different daytime impressions. But it had not stirred from its place. Indeed, it was the sharpness of this pain that had awakened him."

"When our happiness is no longer in their hands, how calm, how relaxed, how bold we become in their presence!"

"He remembered the gas-jets being extinguished along the Boulevard des Italiens when he had met her against all expectations among the errant shades on that night which had seemed to him almost supernatural and which indeed - a night from a period when he had not even to ask himself whether he would be annoying her by looking for her and finding her, so certain was he that she knew no greater happiness than to see him and to let him take her home - belonged to a mysterious world, to which on never may return again once its doors are closed."

If Proust were alive - I should like to tell him to shut the fuck up.

Sunday officially starts the week but why does it always feel like the end instead? Shrug.

I woke up this morning afternoon to gorgeous weather. I had scheduled a meal visit but I was still in bed when I got the call from (pledge) Lauren. In reality I could not really have had a decent meal visit with her because I am still extremely poor but I felt bad having to cancel. I will get this whole being-a-brother thing eventually.

I got up with the intention of doing my chores but I didn't have any cash on me for the refundable deposit needed to get supplies. I ended up getting it later but the RHO was already closed. I will do them tomorrow in any event (my chores I mean, not the RHO). Instead I accompanied Melissa to M Street. She bought some very "lovely" lingerie for her weekend home in NYC with Paul. There were all of these girls in Victoria's Secret buying their I'm-going-to-get-laid outfits. I hope none of them are disappointed come game time. The clerk tried to get me to apply for a credit card. Ha.

Then we went to Starbucks. She bought me a Valentine Cookie with the promise that I would be her Valentine (even though she already has one). Does that make me easy? I got a peppermint mocha but they skipped out on the sprinkles. I was very upset mind you. Alas. We spent a leisurely afternoon in Georgetown. It was nice. I haven't been off campus in a long while.

Speaking of Valentine's Day - I am going to NYC with Tim and Ayuko. Sami was supposed to come but her new boss at Zara won't let her take off of work. This is after, of course, all of the drama we have been through with her regarding this trip. Boo. It should be fun anyway. Tim lives about twenty minutes outside the city in Jersey. I just can't spend Valentine's Day in DC. No sir.

Tim and I just finished eating a well cooked meal. Domesticity gives me a warm sense of worth. That is when it doesn't annoy me - like doing dishes or cleaning my room or...

I need to finish my GUSA (Georgetown University Student Association) application. I am applying for the Diversity and Religious Affairs Council, the Constitutional Council and the VPS (Voluntary and Public Service) Advisory Board. I also have other homework I need to attend to. Hopefully I will find a bit of focus soon. Cross your fingers.

(I am also thinking about making this journal "friends only." Just a heads up.)

I am not drunk. At least not like last night. I did find somewhere to go. I found three somewhere's. I went out with Julie again. Going to parties where you don't know anyone really isn't that much fun. At least not for anti-social broody Ryan.

I wonder who Mark is with? Does it matter? Yes. He drunk IMed me from New York. That was fun. or not.

Eric Lashner asked me why I was dressed like trash. That was nice of him don't you think? He is ssoo getting my vote for GUSA president.

Tim is downstairs. I want to take care of him but he is sleeping on the couch so I think I am going to let him be.

I am sad and lonely. It's not right but its okay. My bed calls.

Lily is dancing on the table
we've all been Pushed too far
I guess on days like this
you know who your friends are
Just another Dead Fag
to you that's all
Just another Light missing
on a long Taxi ride

I am all dressed up with no where to go. Boo.

He looked at me, lip quivering, tears running. I told him once that I thought people were their most beautiful when they cried - brimming and uncontained. Maybe he hoped with hope that I would think so now. I wasn't moved. It didn't occur to me until later to even pay notice. I gripped his face to get a good look. I don't know what I had hoped to find. Perhaps I wasn't looking for him - maybe I was looking for myself. I couldn't find a trace of either. His tears streamed uninterrupted over my hands turning the creases of my skin into small rivers bearing emotion spilling like rain onto the carpet. In an act of final desperation he came towards me, tears and freckles and guilt, and pressed his lips to mine. They tasted like salt. They made me thirsty. But I wasn't the first to quench my thirst with his kisses nor the last. And I would never be the only one. This stood between us like the miles that used to and no kiss could draw him nearer. So I said goodbye to the red hair and freckles and tears, and love.

My internet is dumb. He didn;t want me to update my journal in this state. So he closed all the time. I came in third place in literati. I will school them all some day . some day.

STupid straighties...straighties straighties everyhwere and not a drop to drink.

I am drunkd. I will delete this tomorrow when I am ashamed of myself. Excewpt I already .am. forwn.

I wnat to dance. I like to dance. Except no one would pay any attentoon to me. I am hot damnit. Right? oh well.

k. i think it is tme to go. i;m bored though. hrm. i can't even drunk dual mark because my phon is turned off. sprint is dumb. ha.

I think the dreary rainy weather is getting to me.

It's funny though...sometimes the dreary weather is so beautiful in its own way...because its weather and you are experiencing it because you are alive.

Just a thought.

"If my hearts soaking wet/boy your boots can leave a mess"

I am at work right now - but no one else is. Or at least my boss or her boss or the copy-bitch-in-training. I think they forget to send me the memos. It's raining though and I walked ten blocks...messed up my coif and everything. For shame.

Last night was my fraternity's first Line Meeting of the semester. I wish I could describe to you how amazing it is to be a brother. This was the first time I was able to experience a Line Meeting from the perspective of a brother and not a pledge and it is all very exciting. My Line gave their first speeches tonight and I am very proud of them. I think, since pledging ended, that my Line has really stepped up and showed our fraternity that we are the real deal. These people continually awe me with the caliber of ther characters.

For our first speeches we did really well. My speech wasn't everything I had wanted it to be but I hope I got the point across. As I was thinking about the upcoming Line Meetings, I didn't think that I would have very much to say except for one or two of the themes, mainly Leadership and Responsibility (one theme). When you stand up there though, in front of the pledges, there are so many things you wish you could impart on them and the immediacy of your feelings are overwhelming - so in the end, some to none of it actually ever manifests itself in your speech. Its difficult because the pledging process from which you learn how to become a brother is so universal within the fraternity but at the same time is deeply personal. I guess you have to just give them what advice you can think of at the time, hope you have an impact and let them make of the experience what they will. I think in a lot of ways it is like being a parent.

So the moral of the story is that the Line Meeting was really great.

I am also working on two personal goals this semester: 1) to not talk so much smack about people when I am venting my frustrations and 2)become more responsible for my actions and in general - mainly this is so I can stop telling lies to my boss and professors about why I didn't do my work or come in to work. Lieing is just bad for the soul. End.

I hate myself right now.

I haven't gone to Theology all week. And I have missed it twice before. So in total I have only been to it twice this semester. I got up this morning. I got dressed. I even look extra nice today in my favorite blue argyle, white button down and grey pants. I walked all the way to my class - when I got outside the door, I turned around and walked all the way back to my apartment. wtf?

Sometimes I have these avoidance panic attacks. They were very severe my senior year of high school. They could just be my mind making up excuses though. This is off topic but I haven't had a dizzy spell in a few months. That is VERY exciting. [October of my freshman year of college I was sitting in the library talking to Mark on the phone and the next thing I knew, the room flipped upside down, I blacked out and woke up to find myself hanging out of the chair and my phone flung across the table. I was naseaous for about three days afterwards. They have decreased since. I have only fallen over one other time since then. yay]

So anyway, I am not a psycho. I swear.

Its a good thing my teacher has a relax attendance policy I guess right?

This behavior is just unacceptable. I am going to one of the most prestigious schools in the country virtually breaking my parents' backs (and my own) to support me and I am not going to class? Some college bound men and women would kill for the opportunities I have been given. Enough.

I am going to spend the rest of the class period doing work. I should at least be productive.

Today ... Today ...

I had a very productive day. At first anyway. I woke up and finished The Mysteries of Udolfo which was 672 pages of fun filled gothic novel. Then I of course went to class. I did swell on the quiz too.

After class I went over to Ayuko's to do a joint meal visit with one of the Pledges (Dave). We decided to order Indian from Prince Cafe. ...Two HOURS later I finally ate. Then I HAD to go to Dom's for our weekly American Idol ritual...

...And here I am. Not doing my work. And now going to do APO things...

Alas.

(I apologize for the low quality of this entry...I'll make it up, I promise)

I love you. I hate you. I miss you. You suck. I miss you. I hate you. I love you. I want you to die. I love you. I miss you. I want to poke your eyeballs out. I want to kiss you. I hate you. I love you. I miss you. You suck.

So whenever you are ready to let me off of this ride - I would be much obliged.

I really miss you and really miss talking to you and seeing you....and I love you very much and just want you back.... -Mark

I feel out of sorts today. Antsy. Uncomfortable in my own skin. They say its a pretty nice skin. A pretty piece. I don't know what good that is going to do me.

I want to call Mark.

You stood in my doorway with nothing to say (besides some comment on the weather)

I am working on an entry of some substantial length...and well...substance. It is taking a lot of effort though. I have to write it and then leave it for awhile. But its important to me so I press on. Posting it in its parts though would not have the same effect as the cohesive whole...I think.

Today I read a lot. The new pledge line seems great. Only a tinge of jealousy.

I watched the "new" Britney Spears video (its new to me). It is intoxicating.

My old rommate Phil from JCU informed me that not only is there a new Malfoy...but a new HERMIONE? I am not pleased. She better represent. For Serious.

I promised myself I would read until page 230 of Swann's Way before I went to bed.

But while you are waiting, here are some pics. I can't get them to appear. I think they want me to upgrade my account. Bastards. Well, if you care enough follow the linkies.

( APO House Party )

I've been reading Sebastian's journal all day. I should be reading the Mysteries of Udolfo. There is just something more immediate about what he has to say, as though it is pertinent to my life in some way. In light of a conversation I had earlier, this entry is dedicated to J.

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I've been thinking about those times more than usual lately. The memories hurt less than the reality.

I remember when we stole away and spent the weekend at the Beach. We drove in your silver Beetle and sang songs at the top of our lungs. I felt so grown up staying in a hotel by ourselves. For some reason I felt slightly guilty and maybe a little deviant. When we got to the room I didn't know what to do. So I kissed you and then we did what we both probably thought we should do.

That night we walked on the boardwalk and as we walked side by side I would bump my hand into yours accidently.

"If you want to hold my hand, just do it."
"That's not why I was...(I was)...but I know you don't feel comfortable..."
"Somehow I feel braver with you."

So I took your hand and we walked defiantly locked together with our heads held high. I was a little nervous but I tried not to show it. I wanted to be brave for you.

We sat in the lifegaurds chair, watching the ocean in each others arms laughing and kissing and talking about nothing and everything. That night on the beach, with the sand around us and the waves chasing our feet we promised each other forever. Until the security officer asked us to leave.

or

That time for my birthday when I was at Lisa's watching tv. We bought a cake and I tried to not seem dejected that you wouldn't be with me to celebrate. You said you were on your way to see Peggy. I could hear the turn signal in your car over the phone. How could I have known? I remember Lisa playing with the curtains distractedly and then telling me she had to go get my last gift. I didn't even turn around. I was lying on my stomach facing the tv watching O-Town girate around on the screen because it was better than thinking about not being with you. I heard her open the door and I turned over for a second to see what was going on. You were standing there, smiling your triumphant smile. It didn't register. It was a statistical improbability. I turned back around to watch tv again. Then I turned around again. Then I tackled you onto the couch losing myself in a tangle of arms and legs. And happiness.

Because then I felt safe and loved. I believed in you. I believed in the power of us. But that was before him. ...or him... or everything that came between us. Before you doubted. Maybe you always doubted. I guess that is why everything is so different now. I can never know. I will never know. When I remember these things I wonder if they were real. But what is real? They were real for me. Whose memories are these?

I woke up at 7:30. On a Saturday. You know I don't like getting up but once I do it is nice to have the entire day ahead of me.

I threw my lower back out at work lifting boxes. The class my department runs to train third sector executives learn from these enormously thick binders. Stacking them in only three boxes probably seemed like a good idea but not when I have to carry them up Healey steps, and then after I get them to the classroom, carry them to another room. My bosses just kind of watched me do it and didn't even offer to help. I hope they were amused at my expense. My exhaustive efforts were however acknowledge to the class...which I guess is compensation enough?

Alpha Phi Omega held the first night of inductions for new pledges last night. It is exciting getting to be on the other side of these rituals now that I am a brother. The meaning of the ceremony took on a completely new meaning for me. I even got to induct one of the pledges by pinning on her pledge pin. I would describe to you what it is like to experience inductions but it just wouldn't be the same unless you were actually there - it's too much of a personal encounter to otherwise understand.

I went to Jill's birthday party afterwards. At first it was really crowded with all of these people I didn't know. Then Jill left her own party to go to another one and it quickly died. As I was leaving, she came back but it was already too late. I hope she enjoyed the girl puking in her bathroom. Happy Birthday.

Melinda, Emily and I left the party and went back to their room and just hung out for awhile. What wonderful and fabulous women. I had more fun with them than I would have had at a party anyway. <3

I got back at three but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about Mark. Emily and Melinda were talking about how they had never been in love. They have never felt that...that indescribable something. It's funny how we know its there but are never sure what it is until we feel it. And even then some people are never sure it is the something they are feeling or that they ever felt it in the first place. Sometimes it scares them into doing stupid things. For my sake - when you feel it - Trust Yourself.

I checked the desire to call him, for better or for worse. I haven't had a good nights sleep since before Christmas - the last time we slept together. I am not counting of course the time he slept here this semester. As you can imagine, there wasn't much comfort in that.

I'm missing your bed/I never sleep/I'm cuddling close/To blankets and sheets/and I am alone/In my defeat/I wish I knew you were safely at home