...where the quiet things are

FRIENDS ONLY

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 06:43:48 GMT

Some Perspective

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 21:54:59 GMT

Behind the cut is a conversation between alwaschoen and angelkeys. I know Chris, that you didn't give Jaimee permission to share this with me - nor did I get permission to post it. Jaimee meant well - she always does. I actually don't think I need to explain much to you. You seem to understand. That is something I need. Thank you. You were quite dead on in what you said which is quite remarkable because you have not gotten a full account of the story...and especially with what has transpired recently between the two of us. I needed to hear much of this.

This conversation is behind a cut because it is rather lengthy. I took some of the smiley faces out and other monosyllabic words of unimportance to cut it down some. It seems a little out of context at first but I don't think that in the end it doesn't make much difference.

Pikatrushka: He needs a friend, not a mom.
Jaimes9283: ha, yeah
Jaimes9283: he has a great mom already
Pikatrushka: So stop being one. (smile)
Jaimes9283: i don't mean to be
Jaimes9283: i just hate to see him hurt and upset
Pikatrushka: He needs to be.
Pikatrushka: There's no alternative.
Pikatrushka: It's part of the whole deal.
Jaimes9283: well now i feel really immature
Pikatrushka: Don't.
Pikatrushka: You mean well.
Pikatrushka: But really, the best thing you can do is just be there. And it's the hardest thing to do.
Jaimes9283: i'd say i'd bear the pain for him if i could
Pikatrushka: He loves you. he's frustrated.
Pikatrushka: Don't let it get to you.
Jaimes9283: i know that, but i wish i had said the right thing the first time
Pikatrushka: If you really want to help, you need to do what helps him, not do what makes you feel fulfilled.
Pikatrushka: Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.
Jaimes9283: i always try to say what helps him
Jaimes9283: or what i think would help
Pikatrushka: I know.
Pikatrushka: Sometimes people don't want help.
Pikatrushka: Sometimes it's horribly frustrating, because people we love don't need us.
Pikatrushka: because they have a challenge they must face, for the time being, at least, on their own.
Pikatrushka: And they'll call for help when they need it
Pikatrushka: but until that point, any attempt to help will only make them less likely to call for help when the time they need it comes.
Jaimes9283: there's more, finding it

Jaimes9283: it has taken the greatest restraint of my life to not say a word to mark about anything at all since this whole thing
Jaimes9283: since they broke up
Jaimes9283: not just tonight
Jaimes9283: b/c i think it would just make things worse
Pikatrushka: Yes, it would
Pikatrushka: because it's not your place.
Pikatrushka: I don't mean that in a mean way.
Pikatrushka: But, when all is said and done, their relationship is between the two of them
Jaimes9283: mark has taken so much from my friendship with ryan at times
Jaimes9283: and i have let him
Pikatrushka: Full stop.
Pikatrushka: No, he hasn't.
Pikatrushka: He hasn't taken it.
Pikatrushka: Ryan has given it to him.
Pikatrushka: Mark can't affect Ryan's other relationships without Ryan's permission.
Pikatrushka: and I don't quite know the full story, but I'd lay money on the fact that it's true--
Pikatrushka: and that's the fact that the boy who cheats on him and breaks his heart really does love him.
Jaimes9283: yes i know
Pikatrushka: I'm totally guessing on this
Pikatrushka: beacuse I haven't heard the story.
Pikatrushka: But I've seen a lot
Pikatrushka: and watched a lot
Jaimes9283: hmm
Jaimes9283: that was my last comment in ryan's journal about mark
Pikatrushka: Mark loves him. But Mark's fucked up and needs to straighten himself out.
Jaimes9283: yes
Pikatrushka: The thing is, I feel for Mark.
Pikatrushka: I really do.
Jaimes9283: i do too
Pikatrushka: I feel just as badly for him as I do for Ryan.

Jaimes9283: i don't but
Pikatrushka: I'm not saying I side with him.
Pikatrushka: But he's even more pathetic a figure than Ryan.
Pikatrushka: Ryan is going to be okay.
Jaimes9283: well i side with ryan but i give mark credit
Pikatrushka: Ryan is a catch.
Jaimes9283: i know this
Pikatrushka: He's adorable and wonderful.
Jaimes9283: ryan doesn't know he is
Pikatrushka: Mark may not be okay.
Pikatrushka: Because his problem's are internal.
Jaimes9283: that's true
Pikatrushka: He's going to continue to destroy every good thing he gets until he finds a way to fix it.
Jaimes9283: i don't know what his problems are and i don't understand and i don't know what the right thing for ryan to do is
Jaimes9283: if i were ryan, i honestly don't know what i would do
Pikatrushka: I can't hate Mark. I'm sorry, but I just can't.
Jaimes9283: honestly, i now feel really badly that i do
Jaimes9283: it's just that i've been there and seen ryan cry
Pikatrushka: I have a lot of admiration for Ryan because he deals with it.
Pikatrushka: Yes. I know.
Pikatrushka: But Ryan's been there and done the crying.
Pikatrushka: And he still goes back to help.
Pikatrushka: It may be stupid, and it may be dumb
Pikatrushka: But it is indicative of a personality trait
Pikatrushka: that I find admirable above all else.

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 19:18:03 GMT

This constant state of anxiety needs to stop.

Un Amour de Swann

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 06:36:25 GMT

I was reading (I swear) for class...Marcel Proust as a matter of fact...

"...and in the evening, after dinner, if she wished to stay at home in deshabille, if he had been forced to stay beside her, to do what she asked..."

...and the word deshabille gave me the oddest sense of deja vu. I fancied that in a dream once I had read that exact word and in this dream it conjured instantly in my mind images of the freckled boy in the transgressions of infedility. I seem to remember waking up and being very disturbed. Dreams tend to affect my waking emotional state. Dreams, in the end, are just as real as waking life aren't they? They are real to me. I still experience them - their emotion. When I was talking to the freckled boy on the phone that morning, he couldn't help but notice my agitation as he is apt at doing despite my best deceptive efforts (a clear difference between us since I have never been able to decipher the difference between the smoke and the screen). He assured me that it was nothing more than my worst fear.

"And yet he would have liked to live until the time came when he no longer loved her, whe she would have no reason for lying to him, when at length he might learn from her whether, on the day when he had gone to see her in the afternoon, she had or had not been in bed with Forcheville."

"There were even days when he was not tormented by any suspicion. He fancied that he was cured. But next morning, when he awoke, he felt in the same place the same pain, the sensation of which, the day before, he had as it were diluted in the stream of different daytime impressions. But it had not stirred from its place. Indeed, it was the sharpness of this pain that had awakened him."

"When our happiness is no longer in their hands, how calm, how relaxed, how bold we become in their presence!"

"He remembered the gas-jets being extinguished along the Boulevard des Italiens when he had met her against all expectations among the errant shades on that night which had seemed to him almost supernatural and which indeed - a night from a period when he had not even to ask himself whether he would be annoying her by looking for her and finding her, so certain was he that she knew no greater happiness than to see him and to let him take her home - belonged to a mysterious world, to which on never may return again once its doors are closed."

If Proust were alive - I should like to tell him to shut the fuck up.

Sunday. Another Day ending in "Day".

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 02:28:02 GMT

Sunday officially starts the week but why does it always feel like the end instead? Shrug.

I woke up this ~~morning~~ afternoon to gorgeous weather. I had scheduled a meal visit but I was still in bed when I got the call from (pledge) Lauren. In reality I could not really have had a decent meal visit with her because I am still extremely poor but I felt bad having to cancel. I will get this whole being-a-brother thing eventually.

I got up with the intention of doing my chores but I didn't have any cash on me for the refundable deposit needed to get supplies. I ended up getting it later but the RHO was already closed. I will do them tomorrow in any event (my chores I mean, not the RHO). Instead I accompanied Melissa to M Street. She bought some very "lovely" lingerie for her weekend home in NYC with Paul. There were all of these girls in Victoria's Secret buying their I'm-going-to-get-laid outfits. I hope none of them are disappointed come game time. The clerk tried to get me to apply for a credit card. Ha.

Then we went to Starbucks. She bought me a Valentine Cookie with the promise that I would be her Valentine (even though she already has one). Does that make me easy? I got a peppermint mocha but they skipped out on the sprinkles. I was very upset mind you. Alas. We spent a leisurely afternoon in Georgetown. It was nice. I haven't been off campus in a long while.

Speaking of Valentine's Day - I am going to NYC with Tim and Ayuko. Sami was supposed to come but her new boss at Zara won't let her take off of work. This is after, of course, all of the drama we have been through with her regarding this trip. Boo. It should be fun anyway. Tim lives about twenty minutes outside the city in Jersey. I just can't spend Valentine's Day in DC. No sir.

Tim and I just finished eating a well cooked meal. Domesticity gives me a warm sense of worth. That is when it doesn't annoy me - like doing dishes or cleaning my room or...

I need to finish my GUSA (Georgetown University Student Association) application. I am applying for the Diversity and Religious Affairs Council, the Constitutional Council and the VPS (Voluntary and Public Service) Advisory Board. I also have other homework I need to attend to. Hopefully I will find a bit of focus soon. Cross your fingers.

(I am also thinking about making this journal "friends only." Just a heads up.)

Just Say No

Sun, 08 Feb 2004 07:32:49 GMT

I am not drunk. At least not like last night. I did find somewhere to go. I found three somewhere's. I went out with Julie again. Going to parties where you don't know anyone really isn't that much fun. At least not for anti-social broody Ryan.

I wonder who Mark is with? Does it matter? Yes. He drunk IMed me from New York. That was fun. or not.

Eric Lashner asked me why I was dressed like trash. That was nice of him don't you think? He is ssoo getting my vote for GUSA president.

Tim is downstairs. I want to take care of him but he is sleeping on the couch so I think I am going to let him be.

I am sad and lonely. It's not right but its okay. My bed calls.

Lily is dancing on the table
we've all been Pushed too far
I guess on days like this
you know who your friends are
Just another Dead Fag
to you that's all
Just another Light missing
on a long Taxi ride

Sun, 08 Feb 2004 02:50:48 GMT

I am all dressed up with no where to go. Boo.

1000 Oceans

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 22:41:51 GMT

He looked at me, lip quivering, tears running. I told him once that I thought people were their most beautiful when they cried - brimming and uncontained. Maybe he hoped with hope that I would think so now. I wasn't moved. It didn't occur to me until later to even pay notice. I gripped his face to get a good look. I don't know what I had hoped to find. Perhaps I wasn't looking for him - maybe I was looking for myself. I couldn't find a trace of either. His tears streamed uninterrupted over my hands turning the creases of my skin into small rivers bearing emotion spilling like rain onto the carpet. In an act of final desperation he came towards me, tears and freckles and guilt, and pressed his lips to mine. They tasted like salt. They made me thirsty. But I wasn't the first to quench my thirst with his kisses nor the last. And I would never be the only one. This stood between us like the miles that used to and no kiss could draw him nearer. So I said goodbye to the red hair and freckles and tears, and love.

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 06:50:00 GMT

My internet is dumb. He didn;t want me to update my journal in this state. So he closed all the time. I came in third place in literati. I will school them all some day . some day.

STupid straighties...straighties straighties everyhwere and not a drop to drink.

I am drunkd. I will delete this tomorrow when I am ashamed of myself. Excewpt I already .am. forwn.

I wnat to dance. I like to dance. Except no one would pay any attentoon to me. I am hot damnit. Right? oh well.

k. i think it is tme to go. i;m bored though. hrm. i can't even drunk dual mark because my phon is turned off. sprint is dumb. ha.

Ho Hum

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 21:43:33 GMT

I think the dreary rainy weather is getting to me.

It's funny though...sometimes the dreary weather is so beautiful in its own way...because its weather and you are experiencing it because you are alive.

Just a thought.

"If my hearts soaking wet/boy your boots can leave a mess"

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 14:46:38 GMT

I am at work right now - but no one else is. Or at least my boss or her boss or the copy-bitch-in-training. I think they forget to send me the memos. It's raining though and I walked ten blocks...messed up my coif and everything. For shame.

Last night was my fraternity's first Line Meeting of the semester. I wish I could describe to you how amazing it is to be a brother. This was the first time I was able to experience a Line Meeting from the perspective of a brother and not a pledge and it is all very exciting. My Line gave their first speeches tonight and I am very proud of them. I think, since pledging ended, that my Line has really stepped up and showed our fraternity that we are the real deal. These people continually awe me with the caliber of ther characters.

For our first speeches we did really well. My speech wasn't everything I had wanted it to be but I hope I got the point across. As I was thinking about the upcoming Line Meetings, I didn't think that I would have very much to say except for one or two of the themes, mainly Leadership and Responsibility (one theme). When you stand up there though, in front of the pledges, there are so many things you wish you could impart on them and the immediacy of your feelings are overwhelming - so in the end, some to none of it actually ever manifests itself in your speech. Its difficult because the pledging process from which you learn how to become a brother is so universal within the fraternity but at the same time is deeply personal. I guess you have to just give them what advice you can think of at the time, hope you have an impact and let them make of the experience what they will. I think in a lot of ways it is like being a parent.

So the moral of the story is that the Line Meeting was really great.

I am also working on two personal goals this semester: 1) to not talk so much smack about people when I am venting my frustrations and 2)become more responsible for my actions and in general - mainly this is so I can stop telling lies to my boss and professors about why I didn't do my work or come in to work. Lieing is just bad for the soul. End.

Telling myself off

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 17:10:24 GMT

I hate myself right now.

I haven't gone to Theology all week. And I have missed it twice before. So in total I have only been to it twice this semester. I got up this morning. I got dressed. I even look extra nice today in my favorite blue argyle, white button down and grey pants. I walked all the way to my class - when I got outside the door, I turned around and walked all the way back to my apartment. wtf?

Sometimes I have these avoidance panic attacks. They were very severe my senior year of high school. They could just be my mind making up excuses though. This is off topic but I haven't had a dizzy spell in a few months. That is VERY exciting. [October of my freshman year of college I was sitting in the library talking to Mark on the phone and the next thing I knew, the room flipped upside down, I blacked out and woke up to find myself hanging out of the chair and my phone flung across the table. I was naseaous for about three days afterwards. They have decreased since. I have only fallen over one other time since then. yay]

So anyway, I am not a psycho. I swear.

Its a good thing my teacher has a relax attendance policy I guess right?

This behavior is just unacceptable. I am going to one of the most prestigious schools in the country virtually breaking my parents' backs (and my own) to support me and I am not going to class? Some college bound men and women would kill for the opportunities I have been given. Enough.

I am going to spend the rest of the class period doing work. I should at least be productive.

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 04:20:44 GMT

Today ... Today ...

I had a very productive day. At first anyway. I woke up and finished The Mysteries of Udolfo which was 672 pages of fun filled gothic novel. Then I of course went to class. I did swell on the quiz too.

After class I went over to Ayuko's to do a joint meal visit with one of the Pledges (Dave). We decided to order Indian from Prince Cafe. ...Two HOURS later I finally ate. Then I HAD to go to Dom's for our weekly American Idol ritual...

...And here I am. Not doing my work. And now going to do APO things...

Alas.

(I apologize for the low quality of this entry...I'll make it up, I promise)

Rollercoaster

Wed, 04 Feb 2004 03:04:32 GMT

I love you. I hate you. I miss you. You suck. I miss you. I hate you. I love you. I want you to die. I love you. I miss you. I want to poke your eyeballs out. I want to kiss you. I hate you. I love you. I miss you. You suck.

So whenever you are ready to let me off of this ride - I would be much obliged.

Foolish Games

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 23:58:51 GMT

I really miss you and really miss talking to you and seeing you....and I love you very much and just want you back.... -Mark

I feel out of sorts today. Antsy. Uncomfortable in my own skin. They say its a pretty nice skin. A pretty piece. I don't know what good that is going to do me.

I want to call Mark.

You stood in my doorway with nothing to say (besides some comment on the weather)

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 06:46:35 GMT

I am working on an entry of some substantial length...and well...substance. It is taking a lot of effort though. I have to write it and then leave it for awhile. But its important to me so I press on. Posting it in its parts though would not have the same effect as the cohesive whole...I think.

Today I read a lot. The new pledge line seems great. Only a tinge of jealousy.

I watched the "new" Britney Spears video (its new to me). It is intoxicating.

My old rommate Phil from JCU informed me that not only is there a new Malfoy...but a new HERMIONE? I am not pleased. She better represent. For Serious.

I promised myself I would read until page 230 of Swann's Way before I went to bed.

But while you are waiting, here are some pics. I can't get them to appear. I think they want me to upgrade my account. Bastards. Well, if you care enough follow the linkies.

This is Melissa and I in the hot tub. We are drinking gingerale. That is Tim in the background looking very happy.

This is Dominick, myself, and Tim. Everyone pictured are "brothers" in my fraternity. Be gentle.

For J

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 20:55:23 GMT

I've been reading Sebastian's journal all day. I should be reading the Mysteries of Udolfo. There is just something more immediate about what he has to say, as though it is pertinent to my life in some way. In light of a conversation I had earlier, this entry is dedicated to J.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been thinking about those times more than usual lately. The memories hurt less than the reality.

I remember when we stole away and spent the weekend at the Beach. We drove in your silver Beetle and sang songs at the top of our lungs. I felt so grown up staying in a hotel by ourselves. For some reason I felt slightly guilty and maybe a little deviant. When we got to the room I didn't know what to do. So I kissed you and then we did what we both probably thought we should do.

That night we walked on the boardwalk and as we walked side by side I would bump my hand into yours accidently.

"If you want to hold my hand, just do it."
"That's not why I was...(I was)...but I know you don't feel comfortable..."
"Somehow I feel braver with you."

So I took your hand and we walked defiantly locked together with our heads held high. I was a little nervous but I tried not to show it. I wanted to be brave for you.

We sat in the lifegaurds chair, watching the ocean in each others arms laughing and kissing and talking about nothing and everything. That night on the beach, with the sand around us and the waves chasing our feet we promised each other forever. Until the security officer asked us to leave.

or

That time for my birthday when I was at Lisa's watching tv. We bought a cake and I tried to not seem dejected that you wouldn't be with me to celebrate. You said you were on your way to see Peggy. I could hear the turn signal in your car over the phone. How could I have known? I remember Lisa playing with the curtains distractedly and then telling me she had to go get my last gift. I didn't even turn around. I was lying on my stomach facing the tv watching O-Town girate around on the screen because it was better than thinking about not being with you. I heard her open the door and I turned over for a second to see what was going on. You were standing there, smiling your triumphant smile. It didn't register. It was a statistical improbability. I turned back around to watch tv again. Then I turned around again. Then I tackled you onto the couch losing myself in a tangle of arms and legs. And happiness.

Because then I felt safe and loved. I believed in you. I believed in the power of us. But that was before him. ...or him... or everything that came between us. Before you doubted. Maybe you always doubted. I guess that is why everything is so different now. I can never know. I will never know. When I remember these things I wonder if they were real. But what is real? They were real for me. Whose memories are these?

Saturday

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 17:20:02 GMT

I woke up at 7:30. On a Saturday. You know I don't like getting up but once I do it is nice to have the entire day ahead of me.

I threw my lower back out at work lifting boxes. The class my department runs to train third sector executives learn from these enormously thick binders. Stacking them in only three boxes probably seemed like a good idea but not when I have to carry them up Healey steps, and then after I get them to the classroom, carry them to another room. My bosses just kind of watched me do it and didn't even offer to help. I hope they were amused at my expense. My exhaustive efforts were however acknowledge to the class...which I guess is compensation enough?

Alpha Phi Omega held the first night of inductions for new pledges last night. It is exciting getting to be on the other side of these rituals now that I am a brother. The meaning of the ceremony took on a completely new meaning for me. I even got to induct one of the pledges by pinning on her pledge pin. I would describe to you what it is like to experience inductions but it just wouldn't be the same unless you were actually there - it's too much of a personal encounter to otherwise understand.

I went to Jill's birthday party afterwards. At first it was really crowded with all of these people I didn't know. Then Jill left her own party to go to another one and it quickly died. As I was leaving, she came back but it was already too late. I hope she enjoyed the girl puking in her bathroom. Happy Birthday.

Melinda, Emily and I left the party and went back to their room and just hung out for awhile. What wonderful and fabulous women. I had more fun with them than I would have had at a party anyway. <3

I got back at three but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about Mark. Emily and Melinda were talking about how they had never been in love. They have never felt that...that indescribable something. It's funny how we know its there but are never sure what it is until we feel it. And even then some people are never sure it is the something they are feeling or that they ever felt it in the first place. Sometimes it scares them into doing stupid things. For my sake - when you feel it - Trust Yourself.

I checked the desire to call him, for better or for worse. I haven't had a good nights sleep since before Christmas - the last time we slept together. I am not counting of course the time he slept here this semester. As you can imagine, there wasn't much comfort in that.

I'm missing your bed/I never sleep/I'm cuddling close/To blankets and sheets/and I am alone/In my defeat/I wish I knew you were safely at home

TGIF

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 06:33:17 GMT

Whoa. Tonight was...well...whoa. Let's start with some key words: alcohol, dancing, party, hot boy, random hooking up...

Jealous?

Don't be...

because if by alcohol, dancing, party, hot boy, and random hooking up I mean doing my laundry all night and then watching Aladdin at Ayuko's...then I had one hell of a night.

I didn't do a whole lot but I did get a lot accomplished which is a nice break in my current pace. Spending a night in with my friends certainly isn't a bad way to spend a friday night, that's for sure.

I got locked out tonight while I was doing my laundry. Thumbs way down. It gave me a chance to call my mom though. I am a lot more homesick this semester. Well, maybe not homesick...I just miss having my mom in my daily life.

On my way back from the laundry room I watched this boy scale New South onto the roof so he could pass beer in through his window. That is some serious dedication to drinking. I think Christianity has a serious contender to its position of influencing people to do crazy things in its name. Get a freaking life. You have to admire his determination in a way though.

I think I have updated quite enough for one day. ciao.

A Memorial of sorts....

Sat, 31 Jan 2004 00:56:47 GMT

I was looking at pinkblink32's memories just now on her journal.

There were several in particular by lie2me.

They were very beautiful.

After I read for awhile, I looked at the last update which was June 21st 2002. Sebastian and Vincent (his boyfriend) were killed in a car accident by a drunken truck driver. He made his best friend, Toby, a packet sometime before his death containing the password to his journal and various other things. They found it among his things after he died and Toby posted the last update.

He was 17.

On his interests he has listed "Buffy." I couldn't help but think that he would probably be very sad to know that the show is over now.
______________________________________________________

It's really pretty out here. The it feels good to be alive kind of pretty. Every day ought to be like this. -Sebastian (05-17-02)

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 22:40:58 GMT

Today I was designated copy bitch. grrr. The things I do for money.

I actually thought I had much more to say than that.

I think tonight is going to be a quiet night of laundry and homework. At least that is what it should be. The evening is yet infantile. :)

I have to work at 8am tomorrow anyway. The things I do for overtime.

I am trying to occupy myself while I wait for my Sponge Bob Square Pants macaroni and cheese to be done. Yay life. There is something about shaped macaroni that makes it taste so much better. Shrug.

If I weren't a muggle, I'd have that pot boiling so fast you would think this were iceland and you were in a hot spring. By the by, that is what I am supposed to be doing for Spring Break but I don't think I can afford it. I may just end up being homeward bound. Nice segue though eh?

Well I need to go watch the pot boil. It needs to hurry because I promised John from my English class I would go over some things with him at 6:30. Aren't I charitable?

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 07:05:51 GMT

Jaimes9283: it's kinda weird
Jaimes9283: i haven't been able to cry for the past so many years
Jaimes9283: and now i cry all the fucking time
reelereveur: blame your vagina. i do.
Jaimes9283: good call

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 03:24:18 GMT

I told my boss yesterday that I would come in for a few hours today. I didn't. What else is new?

I did however go to all three of my classes. score.

I am working on a fourth credit for my Religion and Society course by doing research work on gay marriage with either the HRC or the LGBT community center of DC. Its sort of loose with which organization myself and the other two guys in the group will be working with but I hope its the HRC. Tonight our professor, who is a contributing donor, was invited to an orientation meeting and brought us along with him. I cannot even begin to describe in words how beautiful the new HRC headquarters is. It is like an architectural digest dream come true.

Aside from the aesthetics, the meeting was extremely informative and interesting. I learned a lot about where various gay civil rights legislation stands and the steps they are taking to see them through. One of the members of their legal teams, Praveen, was ridiculously intelligent. When I first met him I have to admit I sort of dismissed him as an activist queen. Then he started using polysyllabic vocabularly...most of which I didn't understand. Mark would have. As a matter of fact, I couldn't help but thinking that he would have been very much in his element. By the end of the meeting Mark probably would have had all of their contact information and a job interview set up. Praveen and him would have gotten along marvelously. That's Mark though...and not me.

I started to absently wonder if maybe I really am not the person for Mark. Maybe someone like these people is...well and then I started to digress about if I stayed with him maybe he would cheat on me with one of these people...regardless...

I also started to think about our life together...or at least how I used to picture it when it was more of a concrete ideal than a vague uncertainty...and how we would be these professionals and share our lives together and raise a family and be pioneers in such a historical time in civil rights. Its something I really believed in and wanted to happen with Mark. I get angry when I think about how my entire world was turned upside down by such a selfish and hurtful...enough already. You get the point.

Why did you mess with forever?

The people doing lobbying for the HRC and working in the legal department are really a proactive part of the gay community's history. Its really quite amazing if you stop to think about it. I really enjoyed the meeting and am really looking forward to my service learning.

Well I just had a house meeting and now have to go have a meeting about New York for president's day. Meetings meetings meetings. Make it stop. Please.

angry. and sad. and angry.

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 06:57:56 GMT

"My friends that care about me, they care about me; the ones that don't, can go find someone else to ask about the weather."
Here's to searching for our social innocence, my extra special friend.

That above is Mark's away message right now. I have no idea what it means. Well...I get it...but not what prompted him to paste it or dedicate it to his extra special friend, Amy. I am not quite sure how I feel about that fact. Not good at any rate.

I also wanted to write down that I am very very angry. At Mark. and hurt. and sad. and very very angry.

All I want to do is to be able to read Proust for class. Its hard enough as it is.

Sometimes I wonder if thoughts of me distract him from his work or make him stop paying attention in class or inable him to accomplish something or have fun. Probably not. He really never was the pathetic type. I am trying very hard not to be.

and what's worse is that I know he reads this. and I hope he doesn't respond. because I will never know if its the truth.

and that makes me sad. oh. and angry. that too.

la douleur de l'amour

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 04:11:01 GMT

There are so many things in my life that I appreciate. I am a very fortunate individual. With that being said...

Sometimes I can't help almost being overwhelmed by what he did. I will be reading a book...or sitting in class...or walking through the grocery store and see a box of Valentine's Ferrero Rochet (his favourite).

I'm lucky though. I have wonderful friends. I go to a wonderful school. I have a supportive family. People who love me...food, shelter...etc. I need to focus on what I am here to do and let everything else fall into place. I guess its harder than it looks in type.

I have to admit that I miss him. I miss my best friend. There is this ideal. I miss flirting with him and talking to him and teasing him and tickling him and calling him and being able to sleep and getting annoyed by his pretention...

and trusting him...but

..but what? I don't know.

I made a payment on my phone. It was a small one but enough to get it turned back on fortunately enough.

Today was a pretty good day. I made some headway on my research topic. I even turned my first paper of the semester in on time. I had a great dinner with Kip (one of my brothers). We had a lot in common. Conversation was easy and comfortable. It was just a really good time. I am getting to know some really great people this semester. Its what life is all about, connecting with people...creating relationships that can sustain and carry us through the absurdity of it all. I'll stop with the exestentialism now. I apologize.

Meet the chapter was fun but didn't have a great turn out. There were only five or six potential pledges. I know for sure one of them isn't going to pledge and another, David (one of Tim's friends who I really hope pledges), is teetering back and forth. Inductions are Saturday and Sunday so I hope by then we have some more people interested.

Afterwards, I went to Safeway with Tina, Elisa and Melissa. My John Carroll ID was sacrificed in trying to dig the van out of snow and ice. Sad day. We've been through some good times me and my ID. I will miss you old buddy.

Now I am going to try and get some work done.